Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

A couple arrive home to their 5-bedroom house in a leafy suburb. Upon entering the house, they call out for their eldest daughter, whose 18th birthday it was that day. The expected answer did not come, so the father went upstairs.

He knocked and entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst possible premonition, he read with trembling hands:

Dear Mum and Dad,It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that is one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money, Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene and I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use a horse.
Don't worry Mum, now I'm 18 years old I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Aimee

P.S. Dad, it's not true, I'm at a neighbours house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than denting the car. Sorry about your Mercedes.

Well it would be worth a try ?

P.S this is for Realdoc, reference an comment she made on pennys blog

Quiz of the week update

Firstly Apologies for it taking me ages to post the results. I've pretty much been in a world of my own this week (but it's ok they like me here!) I've also been working on a first lines quiz, which is a total rip off of the ones found on Heathers Blog, Stacie and Rachel's blog, Penny's Blog and Billys Blog. Anyway I hope to have it up and posted by Friday. (That is providing the social life I seem to have gained allows me the time to blog)

So here are the results

1st place with 19 correct answers is Poe
2nd place with 10 correct answers is Realdoc
3rd place with 9 correct answers is Chatterbox

Chatterbox gets special recognition for getting the most hard answers. Lets face it anyone who knows what curcubits are has got to be something special.

There were 3 easy ones that no one answered and they were

13 - Britney Spears
23 - Fifty Cent
26 - Night Crawlers

Please feel free to keep mulling over those difficult ones

Begging bowl

Ok I'm now going to indulge in some shameless begging (I do apologies but it needs to be done) On Sunday September the 3rd I will be taking part in the Hydroactive Women's challenge, Now I now this sounds like I'll be jumping from a plane or taking part in some extreme ironing (the later will never happen I can't stand ironing !) when in fact I will be running (well more like a stagger or a crawl) 5k round the fair city of Birmingham.

Ok here come the shameless begging bit. I am running (staggering , crawling) in aid of Cancer research. I will be participating in the memory of my mother who died of cancer some 12 years ago now. Anyway if anyone reading this would like to sponsor me you can do by visiting here
Any donations would be extremely welcome and very much appreciated. Thanks


Ok on a lighter note I was sent this today and although is probably a little on the insensitive side and down right sarcastic I have to admit it made me laugh.


Latest News on Air Travel

London 11th August:
A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction."Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns, `but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Greetings

All I have to say today is a big hello and welcome to Kevin Phillips, who has made the wise* choice to sign for West Bromwich Albion .

I have now updated the quiz, and there are still some of the easier answers left to find.

Ok so there's also this. I recieved it this afternoon and it just made me smile so I thought I would share


Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.The

Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way
Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh!t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

Finally the most important tip (and my fav!!!)

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman's Way
left over wine???? Helllloooo


* Well I am Bias, being a WBA fan

Quiz of the week

Ok it's that time of the week again. Here come those lovely cryptic clues you all seem to love so much. However this week I thought I would really test you brain power. I'm going to post 30 clues I have the answers for and 30 I don't (basically cause I'm a bit thick and haven't managed to work them out yet) I will check on the original quiz sheet to see if you have managed to decipher any of the 30 I haven't managed to yet. Anyway here goes

EASY ONES

1. From another country - Foreigner - Poe
2. Cheerful start to the week - Happy Modays - Realdoc
3. Unemployment card - UB40 - Poe
4. Spinning rocks - Rolling Stones - Realdoc
5. First man and insects - Adam and the Ants - Poe
6. Thunderbolt helps grass grow - Lightening Seeds - Poe
7. In wonderland just like that - Alice Cooper - Poe
8. Upset over phobias - Tears For Fears - Realdoc
9. Unglossy Italian white wine - Matt Bianco - Realdoc
10. Lumbar puncture - Spinal Tap - Poe
11. Lips come together - Kiss - Poe
12. Pair of travel agents - Thompson Twins - Chatterbox
13. English patella thrown by Zulu's
14. Big band travels at night - OMD - Poe
15. Paradise - Nirvana - Realdoc
16. Searchdog posse - Bloodhound Gang - Poe
17. Steal a bears lair - Nick Cave - Poe
18. Pigs - Police - Chatterbox
19. Nosy dead pussy - Curiosity Killed the Cat - Chatterbox
20. Not a good firm - Bad Company - Poe
21. Young lads grow up - Boyz to men - Realdoc
22. Stopped believing - Faithless - Poe
23. Two quarters
24. Elizabeth, Victoria, Mary - Queen - Realdoc
25. Walthamstow - East 17 - Poe
26. Late in the evening they can no longer walk
27. Quartet of brunettes - 4 Non Blondes - Poe
28. East end revolutionary - Cockney Rebel - Realdoc
29. Nun toboggan - Sister Sledge - Poe
30. Get paste from tube - Squeeze - Poe


NOT SO EAST ONES

1. Stunted growth
2. Never ending duo
3. Possibly great
4. Clergymen in long dress
5. A virgin thatcher
6. Refinement association
7. UFO's
8. Barely made the wood in the pond
9. Destroying curcubits - Smashing Pumpkins - Chatterbox
10. Position currently held by George Bush - Presidents of the United States of America - Poe
11. Chocolate candy - Eminem - Chatterbox
12. Gender arms - Sex Pistols - Poe
13. Next command - New Order - Chatterbox
14. Years quarters - Four Seasons - Chatterbox
15. Corridor containing horse fodder - Hall & Oates - Poe
16. Picture house tune
17. Ham of beef sandwiches - Meat Loaf - Chatterbox
18. Very warm galaxy - Hot Chocolate - Real Doc
19. Bird of prey with colic
20. Raincoat bought near Blackpool
21. Oxygen cylinder - Air Supply Chatterbox
22. Genuflect for a gem - Neil Diamond - Realdoc
23. Big Apple movement
24. Dances in Jerry built prison
25. Fashionable assembly
26. Not what they seem
27. Dickie at the precipice
28. Keep the horses in footwear
29. Father's cigarette end
30. The centre of planets


Ok have fun with these and I'm really hoping you can help me out with some of the ones I don't know, maybe between us we'll get all 500.

Things That Make You Go Mmmm

I got this on my e-mail today :-

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender...

*Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

*Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

*A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

*Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

*A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

*A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

*An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

*A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

*A Remote Control is Female. Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

It may me wonder what other inanimate everyday objects you could assign a gender to and why.

Inappropriate Conversation No. 1

Part of my job involves ordering items of uniform for various members of staff, mostly mechanics. The particular conversation I am about to retell involved trousers. The problem with our uniform supplier is that they only keep popular sizes in stock. So if you need larger sizes or smaller sizes you have to wait for the odd year or so while they are made. Ok so knowing this about a month and a half ago I ordered some trousers for one of the mechanics. The said mechanic requires rather large trousers. I did explain the situation to him regarding large sized items of clothing and them taking forever to be delivered. Anyway Mr Mechanic has been whinging at me for a couple of days about his trousers (or rather the lack of them) so in a fit of fed upness I chased up the whereabouts of his trousers and found out they would be with us next week. This information I passed on the the Team leader on duty to pass on to Mr Mechanic... Ok here comes the conversion.

Team Leader - Trace I've spoken to Mr Mechanic (this his not his real name). I've told him you've spoken to Fat Bastards Trouser emporium and they say his trousers will be here next week

Me - Ok, thanks for that. What did he have to say

Team Leader - Well he said if he worked anywhere else they would have just told him that they'd rung up about his trousers and they would be here next week. I told him he should have been expecting the fat bastard comment.

Me - Well he really should have done.

Team leader - Anyway he did say that he doesn't need big trousers because he's a fat bastard, he needs big trousers to house his enormous cock !

Me - Oh ok

I have pondered on this conversation and come to several conclusions the first being I really didn't want to know why he needs very large trousers and the second being that , that must be the most original excuse for having to buy big trousers I have ever heard.

Can I just point out we do have a dignity in the work place policy that we have all signed and quite obviously take no notice off.


Quiz update:-

This will teach me to check my posts properly.

Sorry Poe you are indeed correct you did guess the Beautiful South , so thats another pint to you. You now have 6 points

And well done to Adzer and Heather who guessed Lou Reed, Crash Test Dummies and the Scorpions correctly. I'm putting you down and sharing the points.

Perfect Peace

Well it's Monday and all is peaceful in my office. My manager is on a weeks holiday and I am all alone with no one to bother me or ask me to make the tea. I love having the office to my self I always seem to get more work done, and it means I get to listen to any music I want at a volume I can actually hear. So today I am listening to various CD's I have bought in with me, mostly calming ones as the "the fear" that started on Friday has well and truly taken hold today. I am trying not to think about injections . (It's not working I just did...arrgghh)

Anyway I thought I'd better give the results of the quiz out. They are as follows :-

Stacie takes the title with 8 correct answers
Poe comes in a close second with 5 (although I think he got the hardest one which was Max Bygraves)
Then in joint 3rd place with one each are Billy. Kate and Rachel

Anyway well done all. Keep a check as no doubt I will be posting some more soon

Football update....Ok so were 3 games into the season and so for we've one 1 and drawn 2. We are sitting 10th in the table but i'm not panicking yet, all i'm saying is we must do better and does anybody have a striker for sale?

By the way with reference to the last quiz the missing answers are

4. Toilet Lecture = Lou Reed
5. Contributing to car safety = Crash Test Dummies
10. Sting in the Tail = Scorpians
14. Gorgeous but not Northern = The Beautiful South

Injection update. I am a complete wuss the injection wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, it was just a little prick......ok there's a joke in there somewhere, answers on a postcard

That Friday Feeling

Well it's Friday again.... Hurrah!!! My working week is done, and I'm really quite glad about that. Although it does mean that I only have 3 days left before I have to go and get an injection. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but I really have the fear when it comes to injections. You see the problem is I've only ever had 2 injections in my life. You may be thinking that for someone of my age (unfortunately I left my twenties behind last year) 2 is quite a small number of injections to have had. Well for this I blame my father. You see my dad has a condition that goes by the name of serum sickness, which basically means he's allergic to the serum's used in vaccinations. The thing with this condition is that it's hereditary, hence me only ever having 2 injections. In short I'm ok if TB or Polo come calling, but all the basic childhood diseases such as measles etc would have a rare old time as I have no immunity to them at all. This is doubly confounded by the fact that I am an infuriatingly healthy person and have only every had chicken pox ......Oops !

Anyhow back to the problem at hand. Not only do I have to have the dreaded needle but because of the old serum sickness thinngy I have to have an entirely synthetic one (just to be on the safe side, my dad nearly died because of this condition of his) which means I have the physical pain to contend with (my pain threshold is so low you have to dig for it !) I also have to pay £60.00! Quite frankly I think parting with the money is going to be more painful than the injection. I think next yearI'm going to go to Devon or Cornwall....they don't have Yellow Fever there do they ????

Rachel's Request

Ok as per Rachel's request, here are some more of those delightful cryptic clues.

1. Aircraft data recording unit - Black Box - Stacie
2. Young men selling mice - Pet Shop Boys - Stacie
3. Excellent weed - Supergrass - Stacie
4. Toilet lecture
5. Contributing to car safety
6. Nuclear pussy - Atomic Kitten - Poe
7. Awful etiquette - Bad Manners - Stacie
8. Metal Airship - Led Zepplin - Billy
9. Skeletal Letter - Boney M - Poe
10. Sting in the tail
11. Young man's area - Boyzone - Kate
12. Several raincoats found in cemetary - Max Bygraves - Poe
13. Throttlers - The Stranglers - Stacie
14. Gorgeous but not northern
15. Revolvers and flowers - Guns n Roses - Stacie
16. Great Hairy creature - Super Furry Animals - Poe
17. Both of you - U2 - Stacie
18. Correct exclaimed Mr Flinstone - Right Said Fred - Poe
19. Rubbish - Garbage - Stacie
20. Happy is a brave warrior with orange seeds - Glayds Knight and the Pips - Rachel

I know some of these are very easy but they are fun. Also this is really quite hard and very addictive http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

Mondayish

Well the weekend is over and Monday is here again. I'm usually not too bad on Monday mornings but today I have wanted to be anywhere other than at work. So I hear you say whats so strange about that, well the truth is I'm one of those lucky people who has a job they adore. Ok so I don't get paid shed loads of money and I'm not high powered and important and yes a lot of what I do is repetative, but I do get paid enough to live on, and be able to go on holiday and enjoy myself. I also have zero stress and a manager who doesn't care what time I get in or what time I leave as long as by the end of the week my work is done (he also makes a good cup of tea) So why this morning did I wake up in dread of going into the office? I really don't know. I'm just hoping it's beacuse I'm tired and I'm getting impatient for my holiday to be here. I think I just need my 2 weeks of doing something different every day in a different country ( well in my case it will be 3 different countries) Well what ever it is I hope I feel less Mondayish tomrrow.

By the way football update the Baggies beat Hull City 2 goals to nill. All I have to say on this matter is Super super John, Super super John, Super super John, Super Johnny Hartson !

The Beautiful Game

Well that time of year is upon us again......Yes the footie season gets underway for the teams in the Championship tomorrow, and I for one can't wait! I am starting to get really excited, as I can now get my weekly fix of the Baggies (West Bromwich Albion). I know we were relegated last season from the dizzy heights of the Premiership, so instead of Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal paying us a visit we now have Hull City, Luton Town, Preston and Colchester......mmmm not much of a difference there then!

There are however some good games to look forward to. The most eagerly anticipated one will the the local derby Against Wolverhampton Wanderers. Basically this game is the same as Everton v Liverpool and Manchester United v Manchester City. Winning this game means everything. The rivalry between the 2 teams and their fans is so intense that the 2 matches will be played on a Sunday afternoon and 12pm. We haven't played a competitive match against the Wolves for 4 years.....It will be immense.

The game I'm least looking forward to is the one against Cardiff. Why I hear you ask, the simple answer is the fans. A lot of Cardiff fans are horrible, they are hostile and nasty. Believe me last season I went to a pre- season friendly at Cardiff. The Cardiff fans spent the entire match hurling abuse at us rather than watching the game, and as I've already said it was only a friendly. At most stadiums the away fans are in their own section or are separated from the home fans by a section of seating. At Cardiff there are 2 massive nets and there are no seats, you can't throw what's not there ! Anyway I'm hoping they behave themselves when they visit the Hawthorns.

Quick update on the quiz. There is only 1 question outstanding and that is number 17. I will update the post with the answers apart from 17 that is

Quiz Time

Good morning all. I had a music quiz sent to me yesterday, which is currently driving me insane. I will not rest till I have completed it. This is a strong statement seen as though it's 500 questions long! Anyway I thought you guys might like to play along too, so i'm going to post the 1st 20 questions (I have managed to get the answers to these). I thought I wouls post 20 aq week until between us we have managed to answer all 500.

Ok so is basically a pop quiz, with cryptic clues. Each clue leads to the name of an band or artist. I am reliably informed that they are all popular bands etc. So anyway thats ennough waffle here are your first 20 ......enjoy!

1. Venom = Poison
2. Oysters annoyed by heavy traffic = Pearl Jam
3. lion talker = Leo Sayer
4. Champagne and orange juice = Bucks Fizz
5. Pale serpent = Whitesnake
6. Primative Shout = Primal Scream
7. Primates = The Monkees
8. B.A, M.Sc, B.Eng = The Three Degrees
9. Where snow white's friends keep their bikes = Shed 7
10. Woodworkers = The Carpenters
11. Back to normal = Status Quo
12. Spicy jalapenos = Red Hot Chilli Peppers
13. Hard shelled insects = The Beetles
14. A violent place for plants to live = Savage Garden
15. Dark Sunday = Black Sabbath
16. Distribute equally = Cher
17. Barbie was even at 100 ?????
18. Desert waterhole = Oasis
19. Shilhouettes = The Shadows
20. Hamlet a female relative = Shakespear's Sister



OK GO

Welcome one and all

Hello everyone, well here goes. I'm new to this blogging malarky so you'll have to excuse me if I ramble a bit, but then again that is the title of my blog so I think that's what I'll do !

For some reason I have been unusually busy recently. For example this weekend I spent enjoying my little self completely. On Saturday was the annual fun day at work. It had a wild west theme this year. So I spent my Saturday afternoon wandering around site drinking beer (which was free) eating burgers (which were also free) and wearing a straw Stetson (again this was free). I had a go on the mechanical bull and lasted about 2 seconds, I was really bad but it was all good fun. Then on Sunday I went to the football. Sunday saw the Baggies (West Brom Albion) final friendly before the start of the season (which is on Saturday). It was a nice day apart from the match being dull (but then again friendlies usually are) and the people sitting behind me. I unfortunately had 3 people sitting behind me on Sunday who go to the football once a year and like to spend it criticizing the team. People like this really annoy me. If they think the team is that bad why o why don't they just stay at home, that way they save money and their constant whinging doesn't annoy everyone sitting by them ! Ok that's my football rant over and done with but I'm sure it won't be my last !

Anyway I think that's it for now. That's my first post done I just hope can keep finding things to whitter about